I dont know why, but over the last week or so I've been thinking about it a lot more. And what freaks me out is that I'm remembering it in a lot more detail than I have ever done before. So much for EMDR working! I dont know if its because I've been so stressed recently with work and housing issues etc. but i just keep thinking about it, it just pops into my head from nowhere without any warning. Its hardest for me at night, trying desperately to get to sleep cos i have to be up at stupid oclock for work, but then not being able to sleep at all because all i can see is this...thing that ruined me. I keep playing over conversations that were had throughout the night, the next day and over the following weeks. I nearly started crying at work the other day, and it was bloody freaky cos one of the patients said to me a while after 'you've been thinking about something that upset you, something horrible, when you were 16 at someones birthday'. how the hell did she know that, shes freaky, shes done that with other people before as well, she just knows what you're thinking.

i want so badly to be able to put all this behind me, to get on with my life and not have to worry when its next going to creep up on me. i dont know how much longer i can stay strong. i feel like im gonna break, and i hate myself for it, i've managed 18months-2 years without it, i dont want it back in my life, i dont want that to be who i am again. but each day im feeling myself falling further and further into that hole, and one day im gonna break. im so scared of what will happen if i do. i have absolutely no support network here, i wouldnt be able to cope if i went down that path again.